In my own defense....

This week was the week I've been dreading since I reviewed the whole training program. I had the "Four Days of Forty," meaning I rode 40 miles a day, Monday through Thursday, plus another workout of some sort daily. So, that's why my Muncie report isn't up yet, but it is coming.

It's not you, it's me.

I'm just going to go ahead and say it now: I'm sorry. You didn't do anything wrong. But, I still just went completely off on you. It's not you. It's not you at all. It is so completely, totally me.

The training, the hunger, the lack of enough sleep, the nerves - they've all just been building and building, and I've become a little testy. Okay, a lot testy. The race is finally close enough that it seems real, and I'm getting just a tad (ha!) nervous. Why else would I have a little meltdown while on a bike ride with Ben? Ben, who doesn't have to park his rear on a saddle for 5 hours at a stretch, who can crank it out while my legs feel like lead because I had a run earlier this afternoon, who just wants to ride fast because he can - Ben is the one who was on the receiving end of my little tirade of all-I-wanted-to-do-was-have-a-nice-ride-with- you-and-why- does- it-always-have-to-be-a-race-sometimes-I'm-supposed- to-be-doing-a-recovery-ride- why- won't-you-just-slow-the-f*ck- down-once-and-awhile?!?!?

So, if I haven't gone off the deep end with you yet, just wait. You'll have your turn. And if you have, once again, I'm sorry. It's probably safe to assume that at any given time, I am at least two of the following: tired, cranky, sore, hunger, nervous. Approach me as you would a dog you don't know: hope I'm friendly and will wag my tail, but realize that I may very well bite.

Oh, and to my co-workers: I'm sorry if I've stolen your food. I ate someone's Cheerios today because it was either that, or eat one of you.

Getting to know myself.

As the training hours get longer and longer, and I spend more time biking and swimming without music, I've been getting to know myself pretty well. When I run, I usually have my ipod with me (except in races; I tend to do those music-free). But, that's just not feasible when I'm on the bike or in the water. And even with the headphones on, I'm still by myself.

That means I spend a lot of time alone. Inside my own head. Which, while it can be a wonderful, sparkly magic place, it can also be a terrifyingly dark, twisted place. A place where I fantasize about food and dry socks and taking a nap and petting the cats. Or, on occasion, killing Debi for talking me into all this. Or setting fire to my saddle so it knows the pain my hoo-ha is feeling. Or just sitting down on the side of the road and crying because all I want to do is stop.

It's not that I'm hating every minute of this. That's not even close to true. I am enjoying myself. I've gotten used to pretty much not having a life outside of my job and workouts. But sometimes - just sometimes, no particular time, no particular reason - I just want this all to be over. I just want to be able to get up on a Saturday morning, have a cup of coffee, and go for a run only if I feel like it. To go for a bike ride just for the hell of it. To lie on the side of the pool and not do laps. To come home from work, eat dinner, and just talk to my husband.

I don't want to come across as whiny. I know I got myself in to this. And really, I have it pretty good. My husband is unbelievably supportive, as is my work. My boss goes running with me usually at least once a week during lunch. I have no children to take care of. I can't even imagine trying to do this with kids. As it is, I can pretty much work my life around my workouts without having to give up too much, and at this point, it's finally starting to seem real.

Oh, and on a completely different note, I placed 2nd in my age group at the Physical Therapy Plus Olympic distance Triathlon last month.  (Once again, that seems much more impressive if you don't know there were only 3 people in my age group) No pictures as my trusty photographer was in Pennsylvania at the time.

More random crap

- Since I've stopped dyeing my  hair (with all the swimming, what's the point?), I now realize that I have a lot more grey hairs than I thought.

- There have been times when I have stopped eating not because I was no longer hungry, but because I have run out of food.

- While I may wake up in the middle of the night because I am hungry, I refuse to get out of bed to eat.

- I am living in a constant state of dehydration, or so my urine would have me believe. That, and one beer makes me stupid.

- My feet are even uglier than previously thought.

- I go through a can of (spray) sunscreen in a week. And my tan lines are getting even more interesting.

- I can't seem to get the chlorine out of my hair, though the L'oreal kids' shampoo helps.

- I have decided that my arm hair has to go.

- While I own several name brand swimsuits (Nike, Speedo, TYR, Finis), my favorite practice suit cost $6.48 on clearance at Target.

- I have new googles that are supposed to help me keep my head down while I swim.

- My new saddle rocks.

Taylorsville Lake Half-Ironman Distance Tri

Let me honest from the start: while I was 3rd in my age group (30-34, USAT rules that you race as the age you are on Dec 31 of the current year) there were only 4 people in it. I sounds more impressive when I leave the last part off, doesn't it?

But, I was 7th woman out of the water, 1st woman swimmer in my age group. This was even after I had a complete freak out in the water. I knew that open water swimming was different, but as I went to pass someone, I took a wave to the face and panicked.  The water was pretty cold, and I couldn't bring myself to put my face back in. I had to flip over onto my back and just kick for a bit. I was able to flip back over, but it happened again, and this time I really thought I was going to have to stop the race. I even undid my wetsuit a few inches to get the pressure off my neck.

Rationally, I knew I wasn't going to drown. I used to be a lifeguard, I know how to swim, and I don't think I could have sunk if I tried, what, with wearing the rubber suit and all. But my brain was not up for reason. I manage to zip back up, flip back over, and start doing heads-up freestyle. I slowly worked my chin down into the water, then the rest of my face, and by the end of the first lap, I was swimming more or less normally, tho I only breathed to the right. It seems that my upper body is rather strong, because I started to pass a lot of people, and by the end of the swim, I didn't want to get out.

After I managed to escape from my wetsuit and pull my bike jersey on, I sprayed myself with sunblock (apparently not to well, tho, my tan lines are interesting) and got going on the bike. Being one of the early people out of the water makes for interesting times on the bike. I am not a fast cyclist, but I was out on the course with the fast people, at least for a little while, so that was cool. I did lose my yellow sponge thingy from my aerobottle, so I had to drink my Nuun pretty quickly, as it was splashing all over me, but at least I was drinking.

The bike course was hilly. Actually, that's an understatement. It was just all hills. And, as I don't climb well, there was one hill where I looked down at my computer and it said I was going 3mph. It probably would have been faster to walk, but I was afraid that if I got off my bike, I wouldn't get back on. And at about mile 47 or so, I got to climb up 2 monster   grades that made me glad I still have 3 chain rings. And since the wind didn't stop - it was in my face the whole damn time - it was even more fun. At one point, Ben caught up with me on the course (when he took the above picture) and asked how I felt. The only thing I could think to say was: "My crotch hurts."

The run was an out and back that was repeated 3 times, and it was not flat. And, of course, the wind was getting even stronger. Yay! I more or less walked the uphills and ran (or shuffled, however you want to look at it) the rest. I lost my hat on the third loop, but decided it was not worth the effort to chase it, and I finished in 6:46.

All in all, I'm really glad I did this race. Even though I spent the two days ahead of time just freaking the hell out over it (at one point, while setting up my transition area, I looked at Ben and said "I don't want to do this"), once the race started, I was okay. I have on Olympic distance race in a few weeks, the Muncie Endurathon in July, and maybe a sprint in early August just for the hell of it. And then, of course, IM Lou, but that goes without saying.